Nips, Lips, Hips, ‘N Fingertips











{February 27, 2006}   Porn and marriage…

go together like a horse and carriage?!

If you google porn and marriage, you get a lot of interesting articles, mostly from a Christian perspective. I wonder, what does the UU church have to say about porn? And how many other non-Christian women like me are out there struggling with their partners use of porn? How many other intelligent, liberal women have a problem with their so-called partner’s secretive porn use?

There’s a lot of online opinions from the guy’s/husband’s perspective. One compelling argument (but from a writer using a pseudonym, what a wus!), asserts that internet porn keeps men from going out to strip clubs or those sticky adult theaters (I dated a guy in college who worked in an adult bookstore where they had those booths and he had to clean them out after closing- ewww!) and  maybe “Richard Easton” has a point (hehe, or at least he did before he logged in this morning) but I just don’t know if I buy it. {You can read Easton’s article at http://www.beliefnet.com/story/61/story_6115_1.html}

I want to believe there is a higher purpose for my marriage than just meeting our sex needs. I want to know that my mate puts me first, that he worships me and not just women in general. I want to not be bothered by my husbands porn habit, but I am.

Men claim they have a biological drive or “need” to see other naked women, that they are hard-wired for it. Many men (and even some women, in defense of men) will argue that this goes back to times past when men had to spread their seed as far and as wide as possible in order to ensure the continuation of their genetic line. Well, wake up and smell the coffee, Ladies! We are no longer living in the Paleolithic era. And this broad isn’t falling for it. I think it’s just a lame excuse for men to ogle other women now that it is sooo incredibly fast and easy {unless you are like my friend Princess (not her real name) who switched to dial-up in order to curb her hubby’s addiction to instant gratification}.

I want my husband to look at ONE naked woman- me. The one and only who he agreed to love, cherish, respect, honor, and in a handfasting ceremony on August 15, 1999 in A.P. Green Chapel (I’m serious) on the campus of the University of Missouri-Columbia (my alma mater).  And actually, come to think of it (no pun intended I swear) I really don’t want him to see me naked. So maybe therein lies the problem. Men need to see flesh.  I can believe that. I swear my husband still gets excited when I take out my breast to feed our second child (I’ve been breastfeeding for pretty much three years straight now, you’d think he’d be used to it by now, and he says he isn’t even looking but he always does).   

Now, where do I go with *my* unmet needs? Perhaps I ought to dial into one of those local chat lines and hook up with some guy who has a deep voice for some free phone romance. That isn’t cheating really, right? I mean, I would just be talking about sex with other men, not having it. That isn’t any worse than looking at other women naked, is it? If men are aroused visually, and women are aroused mentally- then phone chat seems the equivalent of internet porn. 

What is the big deal about looking at other naked women? Want a list?

Yes, I am a feminist- and a feminist who wrote a research paper in defense of pornography in college at that- and I am also a Libertarian. But right now, I am just an average, every day wife who is sick and tired of the porn that makes its way into my husbands psyche through the internet. I like to imagine that it would feel different if he was looking at tastefully erotic art or woman-centered/woman-created porn. But he likes the really explicit stuff with lots of so-called taboo acts and excessive bodily fluids. I know this because I have seen the sites he goes to in the history cache on our PC.

Is it bad porn just because I don’t like it? I guess that’s not fair. But if I am not sitting there looking at other naked people with my husband, then it feels like he is cheating to me.  This porn habit of his feels like it is a pox on our otherwise blissful marriage- and even if I am the only person in our house who has a problem with it, isn’t that enough?

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